Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Marauders
by Phoebe Caulfield 16
Summary: The gang are back for a last sex, drugs and rock and roll fueled year... they wish. Voldemort's on the rise, Peter gets a girl and Sirius trains up a gang of junior Marauders. Most importantly, Lily's fallen for James... and she'll do anything to get him.


**Disclaimer; If I was JKR, I wouldn't be posting this stuff online. I could sell it for a damn good price...**

**Without further ado, here is the first chapter of my debut fan-novel, Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Marauders. (The title comes from the Sex Pistols album, Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pitols, for reasons that become clear later in the story).**

* * *

"Hey, kid, hurry up there! Other people are in this queue as well!"

The fair-haired little girl felt tears pricking in her eyes as she tried, once again, to hoist a trunk that was twice her size onto the train. And once again, like it had the five times before, it slid down, falling in a heap at her feet, whilst a group of older boys behind her gave a long, collective sigh.

She bit her lip. Daddy had said Hogwarts would be _fun_, and she had been _so _looking forward to riding the train, but here she was, with a packed trunk at her feet and the train was leaving soon and she wouldn't be on it and the big boys were angry with her and, and, and...

Tears began to tumble down her cheeks, and, sniffing loudly, she plopped down onto her trunk, completely convinced that her life would be ruined forevermore.

"Well, if you're not doing anything-"

One of the older boys - a tall, dark, slight boy with a green scarf - clambered over her trunk and began to drag his own through the train door, his friends scrabbling after him, scratching the girl's new trunk.

She sniffed even louder, her tears coming in soft, muffled chokes. It was then, out of the blue, that a hand came to rest on her shoulder, and a gentle voice asked, "Would you like me to help you with that?"

The girl sniffed again. "I'll take that as a yes." The girl stopped her sniffing long enough to look up at her new friend; a much older girl with dark red hair, fair skin, a Head Girl badge pinned to her chest and green eyes. _Pretty eyes, _she thought.

"I'm Lily," she said kindly, "who are you?"

"Cec-Cecily."

"Okay then. Anna? Come and help me with this." Lily called. A loud _crack_, a ripple of wind, and a girl suddenly Apparated right into their midst, causing Cecily to blink rapidly and jump backwards. The girl shook back her dirty blonde mane, and quirked an eyebrow. Lily nodded to Cecily and the trunk, and then jerked her head towards the boys. Anna seemed to understand.

"Black, you little bastard!" she yelled into the train. For reasons best known to herself, she then leapt onto the train, saying, "All right, out of the way, you lot, go plan your world domination tactics somewhere where you can't disturb the rest of the human race."

She reappeared seconds later. "Boyfriend's brother," she explained to Cecily unapologetically, "right little shithead."

"Anna!" Lily exclaimed, stamping on her friend's foot.

"Ouch! See, what you doing, I'm trying to talk!"

"Don't swear in front of the younger students!"

"Oh yeah," said Anna, taking one end of the trunk as Lily picked up the other, "I have a problem with that. Sorry," she said to Cecily, before turning back to Lily, "You know I once lost a babysitting job because I tried to get the ten-year-old kid into the Sex Pistols?"

"It doesn't surprise me." Lily laughed, as if she had given up trying to civilize her friend a lifetime ago. With a final heave, they managed to push the trunk onto the train, and carrying it between them, they lifted into the corridor, setting it down so Cecily could drag it along with her easily.

"Well, there you go." Anna grinned at Cecily, "First year, eh?" Cecily nodded quickly.

"What house would you like to be in?" Lily asked, trying to make conversation.

"Daddy was in Ravenclaw. So was my brother. So I'd like to..."

"Ravenclaw's the best house," Anna winked, "Not that Lily agrees, of course. Gryffindor Prefect and all."

"Head Girl now." Lily beamed. The train honked again, making Cecily jump.

"You'd better get going," Anna said, "Hey, word of advice, the first carriages can be a bit rough. They've got those boys earlier and all. The compartments down the end have the more your age students in them."

"Thanks." Cecily said, as the two seventh-years climbed off the train, waving at her.

"No problem."

"Nice to meet you." Lily said. The two girls turned away and began chatting.

"Prefect, now Head Girl, damn, why am I friends with you?" Anna said, sticking her hands in her pockets. The cash inside, all illegally obtained, jingled loudly.

"Because without me, you wouldn't spend a minute out of detention. And you need help with History Of Magic."

Anna grinned again. "Like you're so perfect... Who had to spend about six hours a night last year tutoring a certain best mate in Ancient Runes? Why did you even take that subject anyway? I've never heard of a Healer spending their spare time translating the histories of Ancient Egypt. Do you just like torturing yourself?"

"Stop the drama queen act, Anna." Lily clipped her best friend lightly over the head. Anna, however, was on a roll, jabbering nineteen to the dozen about the pointlessness of many of Lily's subjects. Or what she considered pointless anyway. Lily had long since come to the decision that the Hat had been smoking something it shouldn't when it had placed Anna Ahmed in Ravenclaw.

"And what's with Muggle Studies? Your whole family's Muggle! What was the bloody point in that?"

"It's interesting! We read Shakespeare and Orwell and poetry, you'd learn a lot too!"

Anna looked blankly at Lily. "I've got absolutely no idea what you're on about. Anyhow, my dad drummed it into my head from a very early age that the two very finest parts of Muggle culture are the football and the rock music, both of which you hate, and aren't taught at Hogwarts."

"Anna, you should get interested in Shakepseare. Your dad's a Muggle, your pretty clever when you work at it."

"I am extremely clever. And being so clever, I realized that all you need to get through life is laziness, guts and a bit of charisma," she tossed her hair, a devilish glint in her eye. "And looks don't go amiss either. I can promise you, in the Anna Ahmed Guide To Life, there is absolutely nothing in there about this Shakespeare dude."

"You wrote an Anna Ahmed Guide To Life?"

"Yup. It's a great read, you can buy it from all good bookshops. Or buy one from me for the nice price of five Galleons. Seeing we're such good mates, I'll knock off a Galleon." Anna elbowed Lily in the ribs, "Whad'ya say?"

"I'd say, "Anna, I've known you too long to fall for one of your scams." Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

"Well, I'd hoped so."

"Could you sink any lower?"

"Er, considering we're on a platform a couple of hundred feet above sea level, yeah I probably could."

"Very funny. Can you stop using five-year-old logic?"

Laughing, the two girls boarded the train, still bickering and teasing each other on issues to whether the Rolling Stones were a better band than Weird Sisters, to what potion James put on his hair to make it stick up in _that _insane way.

* * *

A family of four were the last to come through the barriers of Platform Nine And Three Quarters, leaving the red-gold of the Muggle station and entering the eerie grandeur of the wizard one. They were dragging two stacked trolleys with them, piled dangerously high with trunks, owls and broomsticks, and looking ready to topple over at any time. Two teenage boys were racing ahead, arguing with each other, while the tall, stately witch and wizard followed them at a steadier, more relaxed pace.

"I cannot believe," said the taller of the two boys to his friend, "that you got made Head Boy. I mean, Dumbledore's always been a bit mental, but now it might be time for him to consider retirement."

"Nice to see you so supportive, Padfoot." James retorted, "I'll be slapping you in detention if you don't start showing a bit of respect." He clapped Sirius on the back.

"Prongs as Head Boy, Moony as a Prefect, what's happening to the world?"

"Paddy, you're going about this the wrong way. Think of it as insurance - When we get into trouble, they can't whack us in detention. We get away with all the illegal stuff we do!"

"I dunno, the fact that it's all illegal is the best bit."

"No pleasing some people, is there?" James said. Sirius, meanwhile, superbly mimed vomiting into his hands. "Just-"

James broke off, as Alexander and Lyla Potter came up to them. Both Aurors were well into their fifties, and both tall, leaned and distinguished. James could never help feeling strangely like a ragged street urchin in their presence. Mr Potter stepped in between them, looking at them through his owl-like glasses carefully.

"Okay, boys," Alexander Potter said firmly. "Remember-"

"We know-"

"No holding stakeouts on the Slytherin common room-"

"No traumatizing house-elves-"

"No armed raids on Honeydukes, and by the way, we still swear we had nothing to do with that-"

"No exploding the four towers for a Bonfire Night prank. Although it was a cool piece of magic, and it all went back to normal the next day-"

"No high-stakes poker nights-"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes and we didn't know about that one." Alexander said, "And something else-" But this time it was Lyla that interrupted him.

"Be careful, boys," she said, squeezing their shoulders. There was something about the sound of Mrs Potter's voice that could always make both boys go quiet. "Especially after what happened last week."

Mrs Potter nodded to a newspaper circling in its own miniature tornado some feet away, blaring the headline "**Ministry Massacre; Turmoil Continues**". James and Sirius took one glance at it, and nodded.

Mr Potter said gruffly, "Look after yourselves. We don't want to hear about you two getting hurt."

"Relax, Dad," James said earnestly, "we'll be fine, we always are, aren't we?"

"And you too, son." Alexander turned to Sirius, attempting a more cheerful tone, "Don't go leading my boy astray, do you hear?"

Sirius pretended to look shocked. "Me? I'd be a golden boy if it wasn't for your son." Alexander smiled very slightly, and chucked Sirius under the chin.

"Bye Mum, see you Dad." James hugged both his parents, before stepping back and letting Sirius do the same.

"See you at Christmas, Mr and Mrs P."

Alexander nodded gently to both of them, his eyes creasing at the edges, highlighting the lines in his face. "Be good, boys."

James gave a half smile. "Course we will. When are we not?"

"Just be careful." his mother said. With a loud _crack_, both Mr and Mrs Potter Disapparated on the spot. Sirius turned to James. Concern was rarely present in the maverick boy's face, but it was there now. "Is he okay?"

James looked just as worried as Sirius, but he said, "He's just got a lot on his mind at the moment. They both have. And some of the people that Voldemort killed at the Ministry... he knew them pretty well."

Sirius nodded, looking sober for a moment. Then, out of the blue, he slung an arm around James, and started jabbering, "Cheer up mate. Last year at Hogwarts! We've got pranks to pull-"

"Full moons to plan-" James, suddenly a lot more animated, put his own arm around Sirius's shoulders.

"House-elves to traumatize-"

"Honeydukes to raid-"

"Towers to explode-" The two boys winked at each other.

"Quidditch Cups to win-"

"Oh, hell yeah! We are wiping that smirk off of Bagman's face for good this year-"

"Girls to make out with, hearts to break-"

"'Cept it's more going to be my heart getting broken than anyone else's."

Sirius let out a short, doglike laugh. "Well yeah, Prongs, word of advice, if Lily Evans, the girl of your dreams, the girl I've had to let you cry on my shoulder about for the past six years, throws herself at you, and you, having suffered a temporary brain malfunction, push her away, you_ are _going to get your heart broken."

"Look, Pads, you don't get it. She was completely drunk, it wasn't..." he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders, "Okay, look, you wouldn't do Anna if you thought you were taking advantage of her, would you?"

"Well, considering that the first time me and Anna hooked up we were both completely hammered, and since then about half the times we've had sex we've been pretty smashed, I can't really answer that," Sirius tilted his head cockily, "In fact, I'm not sure which of us has taken more advantage of the other, come to think of it."

"Yeah, that was a bad example... Okay, it just didn't feel right... It was my house, my beer, I can't explain it, it just would've been out of order if I'd taken her into my room and we'd done it. Does that make sense?"

"No," Sirius said, "but it's probably very noble and good and decent of you and all."

"I'd been waiting for Lily for ages," James said, half to himself, "I wanted it to be different. More special, y'know?"

"Lily Evans drunk. Who would've thought?"

"Sirius! It was probably the first time she'd been drunk-"

"She didn't even remember what happened afterwards. Poor Prongsie-"

"Says the boy who doesn't even remember who he lost his virginity too. What was it that you said? "I think she had long dark hair. Or red hair. Maybe blonde. And she had sunburn. Either that or she was really pale." Because that really narrows down the female population of Hogwarts."

"Actually, now I come to think of it, I'm pretty sure the girl was black."

"Oh, Jesus."

Sirius was barely listening, instead looking around the platform, creasing his forehead. "Err, James?"

"Tell me you're not going to make a jab at my non-existent sex life."

"No, I'm going to say, "Err, James, the platform's empty.""

"Huh?" James said, his head snapping up, "Shit! Dad said we were late!"

As if on cue, the train _Honk!_'d, a whistle was blown, the Express breathed out a giant mouthful of steam, and the Hogwarts Express started trundling off. All the while, Sirius and James were standing stock still on the platform, their mouths' hanging open stupidly.

A split second later, both of them had seized hold of their trunks, and were racing madly towards the scarlet steam train.

They started running, hurtling towards the train as if a hungry lion was on their heels. Ran, ran, ran, ran until their lungs burned and legs ached, ran so fast that the platform became a blur-

-And they were gaining on it now, getting closer and closer-

-It was speeding, speeding, far too fast for them to leap on-

The nearest door suddenly burst open, flapping wildly in the wind, and a pair of large hands were sticking out, and a voice was yelling, "Grab on!"

Sirius was closer, sprinting alongside the Express - He grabbed hold of a hand, and, shutting his eyes, kicked off of the platform. He dangled in mid-air for a second, hanging dangerously over the void between the train and the platform, when the hand hauled him inside, throwing him in the floor.

He collapsed on the floor, rolling onto his side, his trunk slamming against the wall. On jumping up, the first things to catch his eye were Remus Lupin, leaning as far as he dared out of the doorway, hands sticking out, hair billowing in the wind, and Peter Pettigrew, also leaning out of the door, although with his hands wrapped around a brass handle, clinging on for dear life, eyes popping out of his head.

Sirius pushed his way in between them, also sticking out his hands - James was now running parallel to the train, his face the colour of a plum - yelling out fast, incomprehensible, and frankly completely useless, advice. Peter glanced sideways at his two friends, slanted his eyes shiftily, and adopting a guilty expression, stuck his right hand out.

"C'mon, Prongs, we haven't got all day!" Sirius yelled, smirking broadly.

Had James had the time, he would have had a torrent of all the worst swear words he knew pouring out of his mouth, all aimed at his best friend. However, time was of the essence, and instead he made a leap through the air, seizing hold of Remus and Peter's wrists, and with one leg outstretched, attempted a massive jump-

Peter's palm, hot and sweaty, slipped out of James's grip. Remus, grappling wildly with James, fell forward with the extra weight. Sirius acted quickly, and seized hold of Remus from behind. Grunting and swearing like they never had before, with a final heave, they managed to wrench James upwards-

-James's legs were kicking and straining at the air-

"C'mon, Prongs!"

One more almighty heave, and James clambered in-

CRASH!

Balancing so close to the doorway, James fell back, toppling over and falling on top of Remus. Remus staggered sideways into Peter...

Peter stumbled back into Sirius...

All four boys hurtled onto floor, the door slamming shut behind them. Sirius was groaning, hunched up in a fetal position, Peter was stirring weakly beneath Remus, and James lay in a heap on top of the other three. To cap it off, a dirty white cat with scars around its left eye and missing half a tail had climbed onto Sirius's chest, claws digging into him, its face twisted into a scowl that would be more at home on an angry pirate.

"Stop it, Danger Mouse." Sirius mumbled, wincing as the cat dug its claws even further into his chest, "Moony, can you get your cat off of me, please?"

"Funnily enough, Sirius, that's not going to be easy right now. Can you just be patient?"

"No. I'm not good at patience." he paused, "By the way, thanks for saving our asses back there."

Another groan. "No problem. It's what I do."

It was then that the corridor door creaked open, and had James been standing up, he would have jumped.

"Look Lily, there's no question about it! Exile On The Main Street is a way better album than If Loving A Hippogriff Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right, it's a fact of life! I mean, you wouldn't say that a stick with a flying charm on it is a better broom than a Nimbus 1900, would you? It's the same principle!"

"Well, due to the fact that I really see no difference between a charmed stick and a Nimbus, your - oh my god what is going on with you lot this time?" Lily said the last sentence entirely in one breath.

"Hi, Lily," James said, waving at her from the floor. "Have a nice summer?"

"Interesting to say the least. Do you want a hand?" She reached down to pull him up. He smiled sheepishly at her, and she returned the smile, although it was more of a "you-idiot" than an "I-love-you-will-you-marry-me-and-have-sex-with-me-every-waking-moment" sort of smile, he reflected sadly.

Anna's eyes immediately lit up at the sight of her boyfriend. "Get your lazy ass off the floor, Sirius." she said, "Think of the poor cat."

"Oh, thanks - ouch - nice to know - ARGH - that you care about me so - ARGH, GET THIS BLOODY BEAST OFF ME!" Sirius screamed, rolling around on the floor as if he was possessed by a drunken demon. The cat now had its claws digging into his face, its hair standing on end like it had had a static shock, his bottle-brush tail held high and firm. And to make matters worse, it was yowling at the top of its voice.

"Aw, Mouse, c'mere." Remus said affectionately, looking pointedly at Sirius. The cat pricked up its ears, reluctantly pulling its claws off of Sirius's face ( "Ouch! Why didn't you put it to sleep when you had the chance, Moony?"). Sirius scrambled up hastily, dragging Peter with him. He felt all over his face quickly. Danger Mouse meanwhile, leapt onto Remus's shoulders, draping itself around his neck, purring loudly.

"My face! How bad does it look?" Sirius said turning to Anna.

Anna shrugged. "No worse than it usually does."

"Funny." He held out his arms, "Are you not the least pleased to see me?"

A grin was fast unfurling on Anna's face. "Course I am," she held out her own arms, "Come here, you idiot."

Sirius and Anna immediately flung their arms around each other, whooping and yelling loudly, Sirius lifting Anna upwards, Anna clapping Sirius on his shoulders. They took up most of the already tiny space, spinning each other around wildly, causing Remus, Peter, James and Lily to jump out of the way for fear of injury.

Soon enough, they let each other go, dropping back to the floor. Anna stumbled back slightly, accidently falling on Lily's foot. "Woah, sorry Lils, you okay?... Err, Lily, really, are you all right?"

The reason for Anna's concern was instantly clear; Lily's face had gone completely white, in a way that reminded them of gaudy, thinning old ladies that insisted on wearing huge amounts of foundation. Anna swiveled her head around, bemused. Then she saw it.

"Ah." she said.

Lily was staring at James's chest. "What," she said slowly, "Is that?"

James looked down at his chest, startled. "Oh yeah. Head Boy badge. Do you think it suits me?"

"You got Head Boy..." said Anna, in the same tone of voice that she always used when she had had an idea, a foxy look spreading on her face as she exchanged a look with Lily. She rubbed her hands together. "Should be a good year, shouldn't it then?" Seeing the boys confusion, she explained, "Lily made Head Girl."

Sirius twitched an eyebrow, fixing his eyes on James, "This _is _gonna be a good year, isn't it?" James made a strangled sound in his throat. "It's not going to be a good year, Prongsie?"

"Shut it, Sirius." James hissed, not particularly inconspicuously, in Sirius's ear.

"Why?" Sirius feigned innocence, "Personally, I think it's going to an absolutely spiffing year, do you not?" Sirius wrapped an arm around James's shoulders, speaking in a clipped, posh voice.

"So," said James, massaging his temple, "Want to find a carriage then?"

Lily looked him up and down for a moment. "Sure," she said, "why not?"

"It's okay!" Peter said squeakily from a few meters ahead, his nose pressed to the window of a nearby compartment, steaming up the glass. "I've found one!"

James threw a quick glance at Lily, his eyes darting back and forth, his mind racing. _Lily's going to sit with you on the train! Don't let this opportunity pass you up! Tie her up and drag her there if you need to!_

_Okay, she's looking at you weirdly now. Maybe you should stop drooling._

_Say something sexy. Scratch that, that never works. Say something incredibly clever and deep and sophisticated that proves you read _Hogwarts; A History_._

_Wait a minute, you never read _Hogwarts; A History_. Damn, Moony was right, it would come in useful one day._

_Crap! Now she's looking like I've been Transfigured into a giant bluebottle. Stop the bug eyes! Bug eyes are a big no-no!_

_Just say something funny. Funny's always saved me in the past._

"And by the way, I'm insulted by the fact that you think so little of Nimbus 1900s," James said to Lily, wagging his finger at her.

"Whatever you say, James." Lily said loftily, holding the door out for all of them. James subdued instantly, wandering into the carriage with a forlorn expression.

_She was completely disinterested! God, if I ever need therapy for self-esteem issues, Lily's to blame._

Anna was the last one to come through, and she winked at Lily as she passed her, raising her eyebrows and darting her eyes between Lily and James suggestively.

"What?" Lily asked, puzzled.

"Nothing." Anna said cheekily, sitting down. She drew out a pack of Self-Shuffling Cards, flicking through them idly. "Anyone up for a game?"

* * *

**A/N; This has been heavily edited. If you read the first version, the rest of this chapter is in the second chapter.**


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